Spiritual Independence

Why the best spiritual leaders teach people to no longer need them.

You Can Be Spiritually Independent

The first time I wrote about spiritual independence, I received quite a backlash. Many readers told me they preferred the word interdependence because, they argued, we aren’t meant to be alone.

But independence doesn’t mean isolation.

I can be independent while also being deeply interdependent with others. In fact, healthy interdependence depends on healthy independence.

Let me explain.

Three Common Misunderstandings

When I talk about spiritual independence, people often respond with one of these concerns:

• “We’re supposed to be in fellowship, not alone.”

• “We need to be under spiritual authority.”

• “Everyone needs to be accountable to someone.”

These reactions misunderstand what I mean by spiritual independence.

“We’re supposed to be in fellowship.”

Independence and loneliness are not the same thing.

Yes, someone can be independent and alone. But independence doesn’t require isolation.

Think of a nation. Every country desires independence, not because it wants to be cut off from the rest of the world, but because it wants the freedom to govern itself, choose its allies, and determine its own future.

The same is true for us.

I want to be autonomous, self-directing, and free. I also want meaningful relationships. I want the freedom to choose whom I trust, whom I love, and with whom I build community.

I don’t want to be alone.

But if the only alternative to belonging is surrendering my autonomy, I’d rather be alone.

“We need to be under spiritual authority.”

We should be careful about what we mean by this.

I’ve believed in spiritual independence for many years. During that time I’ve voluntarily placed myself under pastors, spiritual directors, mentors, coaches, therapists, and trusted friends.

The important word is voluntarily.

I chose them.

They didn’t own my spiritual life. They served it.

When we’re young, in age or in spiritual maturity, it’s wise to learn from people with greater wisdom and experience. But the purpose of good guidance is not lifelong dependence.

Parents raise children to live without them.

Good teachers don’t simply fill students with information; they teach them how to think and learn for themselves.

Likewise, healthy spiritual leaders should help people become spiritually healthy without needing them.

“We all need accountability.”

When I left ministry and the institutional church, many people warned me that I was no longer under a pastor’s covering or spiritual protection.

They feared I would become vulnerable to deception, error, demonic attack, or apostasy.

Having spent decades as a pastor surrounded by other pastors, I recognized these ideas. Too often they’re carefully cultivated by those in authority to keep people inside the system through fear.

Certainly, when we’re immature, we benefit from guidance and accountability.

But accountability should always be chosen, not imposed.

You have every right to decide who speaks into your life.

Going out on your own is only dangerous if you’re not prepared for it.

Preparing people for independence is normal, healthy, and, I believe, necessary.

(“I’m Free” Printable Cartoon)

What I Mean by Independence

When I talk about independence, I mean being:

• free from outside control

• self-governing

• not dependent upon another person’s authority

• able to support yourself

• self-determining and autonomous

I believe every person should aspire to this.

Every parent, teacher, and spiritual leader should aim to help others become this kind of person.

We should each become the captain of our own ship, the one holding the wheel of our own life.

Independence and Interdependence

Another common objection is this:

“I prefer interdependence to independence.” But these aren’t opposites. They’re different. Healthy interdependence is only possible between independent people. You can’t freely choose connection if you aren’t first free to choose.

Lisa and I are a good example. We’ve worked hard to build a healthy marriage. It has required enormous personal growth from both of us.

I have to be emotionally healthy. Lisa has to be emotionally healthy. Two independent adults freely choosing one another create a healthy interdependent relationship. Without that independence, relationships often become controlling, codependent, or dysfunctional.

We choose interdependence because we are independent.

Four Ways We Relate

I think there are four broad stages of human relationships.

Dependence

We all begin life dependent upon our caregivers. This is natural and necessary. Healthy dependence gradually prepares us to care for ourselves.

Codependence

Codependency is different. It is an unhealthy imbalance where one person’s identity, security, or well-being becomes excessively tied to another person. Children can grow up in codependent families, and adults can remain there for years. Healthy development helps us move beyond this stage into a secure sense of self.

Independence

Independence means becoming self-governing. You are no longer controlled by another person’s authority or dependent upon them for your identity. Shouldn’t every healthy adult aspire to this?

Interdependence

Interdependence is the voluntary sharing of life between independent people. It is mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual commitment. No one loses themselves. Everyone remains free. This is just as true in a church as it is in a marriage.

The Best Spiritual Director I Ever Had

The first spiritual director I ever sought was also the best. Her name was Sister Marie, an abbess at a monastery. We met weekly for two years. She never tried to make me dependent upon her. Instead, she helped me become independent. She encouraged me to develop my own wisdom and my own spirituality. She recommended books, suggested practices, and offered guidance.

But I was always free. Free to accept her suggestions. Free to reject them. Free to walk away. I remember saying to her one day, in frustration, “I feel like such a stick in the mud.” She simply smiled and asked, “What does it feel like to be a stick in the mud?” No judgment. No pressure. No attempt to make me fit her spirituality. No obsession with conformity. She respected my autonomy. She trusted that I could discover my own path. She helped me become more fully myself.

And I’m still becoming myself. Today, I’m free to choose my relationships. I’m free to recognize unhealthy ones. I’m free to nurture healthy ones. I’m free to decide how I will live spiritually, both for myself and with those I choose to love.

That, to me, is spiritual independence.

And healthy spiritual independence is what makes healthy spiritual interdependence possible.

To see more of my cartoons and other artwork, visit NakedPastor.