It's Not Safe To Talk

A Peak Inside My Journal & Painting

I’m going to tell you a story that happened to me not long ago.

I got an email from a woman named Mandy. She said that something came to her about me and wondered if I’d mind having a phone call with her. Normally I wouldn’t accept such invitations. But she was very kind and cautious and said, “I know this is weird. I’m a complete stranger to you. But I’ve been following you for years. If this is just too awkward or inappropriate… no worries.” I said sure. It felt safe. We had our phone call.

She told me she’s from Ontario and goes back and forth from there to New Brunswick (where I live). Last October she was driving through northern Ontario when she saw a maple tree, only about 6 feet tall, glowing with fall colours. But it was surrounded by old, dead, or dying trees, almost as if they were trying to drown out its colour and trap it in their dark shadows. It was like they were bullying it and trying to intimidate it into a disappearing silence. But it was still glowing, nevertheless.

(“It’s Not Safe To Talk”, sumi ink on paper)

Then she said that when she saw it, she immediately thought of me, and that the tree was me, and that I felt trapped, bullied, and intimidated.

She heard the sentence in her head: “It’s not safe to talk!” She said she felt I needed to break out from that dark prison somehow.

To be honest, I was blown away. I got very emotional when she told me “it’s not safe to talk!” It hit a very raw nerve.

She’d waited this long to share this with me because she’s a complete stranger and felt nervous about contacting me.

I told her that this was actually perfect timing. I had just read my journal entry from a month ago, and it’s all about vulnerability. I think it’s certain this is what I’m being called to… a deeper vulnerability. But it doesn’t feel safe.

Here’s a part of my June 4 entry:

I have a small, amazing team of people who help me with NakedPastor. One of them, Kate, remarked to me:

“David, you’ve always connected well with your audience, but this month’s show of vulnerability and reflection peeled back the curtain in a way that folks really responded to.”

I realize I’m being pulled further into a more vulnerable and honest expression. But this is something I’ve been reluctant to do, even afraid to do, and have been resisting this for a couple of years now. I’ve heard the whisper to go deeper, but I’m very nervous about it.

I’m sharing with you my vulnerability about being vulnerable.

When I shared this story online, someone commented, “You’re going to paint this, right?” It never crossed my mind… but… of course! So I did, and I’m sharing it with you here.

Do you feel the same tension between needing to express yourself but feeling it’s unsafe to do so?

I think this is a normal human dilemma.

Are we willing to take that risk to be and express our truest selves?